An Open Letter To My Progressive Not-Daughters
Pretty sure I don’t need to explain that this is satire, but then again, we live in a reality where 4chan helped Trump get elected as a mean spirited joke, so you’ll forgive me for ruining the joke.
Script/Letter:
Hi,
Today I have a special message for my stepdaughters, or ‘not-daughters’ as I call them–-they’re adults, I didn’t do any parenting. In fact, they’re both college graduates who are still choosing to live in Colorado for some reason. [Kidding, I love my home state.] But they’re in a tough position by virtue of being both educated and female during a turbulent time in our country.
They happen to have a lot of male family members who are not only voting against these young women’s best interests, but are emphatically encouraging them to also vote against their own best interests. Which, I understand, can be very frustrating, I’m sure a lot of people can relate.
So I wanted to take this opportunity to remind my not-daughters how hard this is for the men in their life.
Hey Laides, I want you to just take a moment out of your day, and put aside morality and rationality, and just really try and see the world through a different lens.
Imagine looking into the eyes of your daughters, and confiding in them that you’re not man enough to vote for a qualified woman, and that you honestly believe that you should all, as a family, vote for the career criminal who openly brags about assaulting women, usually younger than yourselves. Can you imagine, for even a moment, how hard that is for him? It takes courage to be that vulnerable.
Do you know what it’s like to tell your granddaughters that the best choice for president is the man who intentionally stuffed the supreme court with people to take away some of their human rights? You have no clue what that’s like for him. So remember that the next time he says something mildly racist or homophobic. Grandpa’s going through a lot right now.
And just try putting yourself in the shoes of an uncle talking to nieces whose education and critical thinking skills far outpaces his own, but still being brave enough to express his belief that voting for a man found liable of sexual assault, whose own wife probably isn’t voting for him, is the best vote you young women can make. I mean, I know I’m not that brave…or ignorant…or sexist.
-LEWIS A. KAPLAN, District Judge
MEMORANDUM OPINION DENYING
DEFENDANT’S RULE 59 MOTION
2023-07-19
And let’s address the ‘white elephant in the room’ here. We’re talking about white, hetero-normative men, who are all gainfully employed or happily retired, which sounds great until you realize, this is a demographic of people who have lost a lot over the last 30-40 years. The red state they grew up in has consistently been blue the last 16 years[]. They can no longer make racist or sexist jokes in the workplace. They’re now obligated to just give away a basic level of respect to minorities, women, and transgender people alike. They can’t even use homophobic slurs in mixed company. And of the last 10 movies they watched, only 8 of them starred a white man.
And now, they are suffering their greatest loss yet: Their dignity, and maybe even your respect. So please, ladies, even if you can no longer respect the men in your lives who vote for a Hitler loving criminal, try and remember, it’s a very difficult time to be a man politically motivated by sexist rhetoric when you have women in your life. I’m just asking for a little patience and sympathy for the men who love you, but are heroic enough to vote against your very livelihood.
Oh, but seriously, remind your step-moms, grandmas, and aunts that they don’t have to tell their husbands who they’re voting for, ok.
Background:
Surprise surprise, half of the people you know (usually men) voted for Donald Trump, and would vote for him again and again. It doesn’t make sense, and I refuse to get into the weeds since I’m still confused about the time that almost half of the country voted for George Bush’s learning disabled son, so I’ll probably never get around to dissecting our first presidential troll-meme.
But just for kicks (and those of you who read this far) here’s a juicy little tidbit:
I used to work for a producer who had alternative political perspectives. Probably fueled by bullshit artists like Matt Ridley, but I’ll actually dissect that another day.
Right after the January 6th Capitol Attack, I came across him hanging out with his wife sitting outside. I mention the election chaos in a ‘how ‘bout this weather’ tone, and his wife just kind of shakes her head and rolls her eyes at her husband who proceeds to tell me that he “voted with his heart, and my [sibling] just died so no one can say boo.” I could only say “Ah, ok.” But I was thinking “Uhhh, pretty sure you didn’t find out about your sibling until after you voted, and I’m not sure why that’s even relevant to how you vote, and I’m especially not sure why that’s more relevant than your living wife and three daughters who I guess don’t qualify as relevant even when you vote with your heart…!?”
I will never cease to be amazed by men who are willing to vote for people who actively make the lives of the women they love more difficult. I mean, seriously, I don’t know any man who is willing to go to a restaurant that his wife doesn’t like let alone vote for a person who takes away some of their human fucking rights?! How can those two things be true at the same time? I don’t know, and I’m not interested in being optimistic in the face of potential psychopaths running the country.
Remember kids, optimism is fatalistic and irrational. It’s a perspective that leads to a poorly developed theory of mind (empathy) and hindsight bias. People who peddle this philosophy are often contemptuous con artists (e.g. Matt Ridley, Elon Musk, Adam Neumann etc.)
Again, I plan to get into this topic with a full sized thesis in the next couple of months. No Joke. I’ve been writing it for over a year.
Have a good day, stay safe, and don’t vote for Trump. Duh.